2 Days Out

by erics1100paces

I got my 60 day chip this morning.  My wife was still at home when I returned, so I gave the chip to her.  I’ll go to another meeting this evening to get another one for myself.  She’s kind of emotional right now about my departure.  Unfortunately, last night we had a bit of a spat.   It was my fault.  I came home still in work mode, you know?  Still dealing with stuff in my head – task oriented.  And I snapped at her for interrupting my preparation of dinner by calling me to the other room.  She had, you see, insufficient reason to beckon me whilst I cooked, and thus, apparently, deserved to be snapped at (even though she had no way of knowing that I had begun to cook).  It escalated quickly, then died down quickly enough too, though we never fully resolved.

Of course the fight is not about the topic that sparks it.   It’s about who’s to blame, and being fair, and dealing with criticism, and how we communicate.  In other words, we keep arguing framework even though we’re on the same side, and there’s nothing substantive about which we disagree.  It’s a silly thing to do, but we do anyways.  That’s because it’s not regular silly stuff, it’s old silly stuff, imprinted darkly upon us through the years of my drinking.

It’s like there used to be this maze between points A and B.  And now the maze is gone, but we just aren’t in the habit of walking in a straight line.  Our legs have been trained to make all these 90 degree lefts and rights, and they keep doing so, even though we can clearly see point B right in front of us, and there’s nothing blocking the path.

Anyhow.  Today is the 60th consecutive day of sobriety for me.  It’s possible after all.  I’m doing it.  Now fercrissakes, Eric, don’t fuck this up.  Think it through, anytime you’re tempted.  Think it through to the end.