1 Day Out
I leave tomorrow. I hope to meet with my sponsor once more before I leave, but the evening’s no good for me and the daytime’s looking like it’s no good for him. I have a feeling we’ll somehow find a slot somewhere, but if not, so be it. I’m ready to go.
I started this blog as a little legwork thing. A symbol of making an effort, more than anything else. I didn’t realize that it would turn out to play a significant roll in my sobriety. I read other sober blogs, and I almost always see something that helps me. For example, girlonthelearn wrote:
“I really don’t know what happened, to be honest. I sort of just had a case of the fuck-its. I have had so much going on in my personal life (like deciding to quit my job, which I’ve been thinking about for a couple of years now!) that the effort to remain sober in the face of it all just felt overwhelming. I missed drinking. I missed relaxing, connecting with my friends, not having to make excuses for why I couldn’t join at happy hour. I missed feeling “normal,” or what to me feels normal.
So here’s what I learned. I learned that I kept thinking about drinking all the time. I kept feeling shitty in the morning. I kept waking up at 2:00 a.m. and feeling panicky, sweaty, thirsty, and anxiety ridden. “
Thanks for that GOTL. It’s important that I remember that lesson. It’s one I’ve learned before. I’ve attempted “normal drinking” so often. The problem is that if I’m drinking at all, I think about alcohol all the time. I’m always waiting for it, or looking for an opportunity to consume it. I’m always either drinking or itchy.
Thus, even if I do successfully moderate on any given occasion, it only means that I’m restrained. That’s what I chafe against, really. I don’t want to be unable to drink because I’m an alcoholic, but neither do I want to drink normally. Normal people make decisions about whether to have more alcohol based on things like social acceptability and “not wanting to get too drunk.” I just want abandon. I want nothing to restrain me. I want to consume whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, as determined solely by desire to consume. But I don’t want any consequences though.
I want all my circles to be square. Why can’t I have that? Oh, right, because those two things are mutually exclusive.