1 Day Out

by erics1100paces

I leave tomorrow.  I hope to meet with my sponsor once more before I leave, but the evening’s no good for me and the daytime’s looking like it’s no good for him.  I have a feeling we’ll somehow find a slot somewhere, but if not, so be it.  I’m ready to go.

I started this blog as a little legwork thing.  A symbol of making an effort, more than anything else.  I didn’t realize that it would turn out to play a significant roll in my sobriety.  I read other sober blogs, and I almost always see something that helps me.  For example, girlonthelearn wrote:

“I really don’t know what happened, to be honest.  I sort of just had a case of the fuck-its.  I have had so much going on in my personal life (like deciding to quit my job, which I’ve been thinking about for a couple of years now!) that the effort to remain sober in the face of it all just felt overwhelming.  I missed drinking.  I missed relaxing, connecting with my friends, not having to make excuses for why I couldn’t join at happy hour.  I missed feeling “normal,” or what to me feels normal.

So here’s what I learned.  I learned that I kept thinking about drinking all the time.  I kept feeling shitty in the morning.  I kept waking up at 2:00 a.m. and feeling panicky, sweaty, thirsty, and anxiety ridden. “

Thanks for that GOTL.  It’s important that I remember that lesson.  It’s one I’ve learned before.  I’ve attempted “normal drinking” so often.  The problem is that if I’m drinking at all, I think about alcohol all the time.  I’m always waiting for it, or looking for an opportunity to consume it.  I’m always either drinking or itchy.

Thus, even if I do successfully moderate on any given occasion, it only means that I’m restrained.  That’s what I chafe against, really.  I don’t want to be unable to drink because I’m an alcoholic, but neither do I want to drink normally.  Normal people make decisions about whether to have more alcohol based on things like social acceptability and “not wanting to get too drunk.”  I just want abandon.  I want nothing to restrain me.  I want to consume whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, as determined solely by desire to consume.  But I don’t want any consequences though.

I want all my circles to be square.  Why can’t I have that?  Oh, right, because those two things are mutually exclusive.