3 Days In
Last night I went to a 7PM meeting at the Alano club here, and afterwards went out to dinner with 5 or 6 of my fellow recovering alcoholics. It was so nice. I met new people, went out to dinner with them, and it was safe. I knew I wouldn’t drink too much and make an ass out of myself, as was always a risk with new people when I was drinking. And then I got home, went to bed, got up and felt good. It is a miracle. AA has given me life, and freedom, and peace, and I’m still surprised every day to rediscover that fact.
It’s a program of rigorous honesty, though, so I’m going to have to fess up about something. I’ve got 65 days without a drink. But until I left Cali, I was still smoking weed. So I don’t doubt that most program folk would say that I have 4 or 5 days sober, not 65. My thinking was/is – hey, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
But I’m OK with starting the count over. I’m fine with taking the newcomer chip, and, in fact, it’s definitely the best course of action to do so, because I don’t want to and I don’t think it’s fair. Ha! Fairness. See the last sentence of the first paragraph. Why would I question the wisdom of a program that saved my life? Having said that, in mind, and in the mind of my wife I suspect as well, my sobriety date is Dec 26, 2013, and that, to me, will remain the significant date, even if my official date changes to Feb 27th.
Regardless, I believe my HP wanted me to smoke pot until I left. He knew I needed it at first. And then he pushed back that departure date until I had come to see that there was nothing there, and that I no longer needed the crutch of pot that I needed to get me through early sobriety. My head’s starting to clear now abit, my memory’s coming back, and the next time I talk to my wife, my request will be that she go in my garage, get all my weed related stuff, including the sturdy stainless steel bong I’ve used almost daily for the last 16 years, and throw them all in the trashcan. I don’t need it anymore. I’m happier without it, and I don’t miss it at all.
One last thing about this. I really tried not to lie about my pot use with program people, and just kind of hoped it wouldn’t come up. I did lie to my sponsor on a couple of occasions, or at least intentionally deceived him in a way that sort of allowed me to claim a technical truth. But the thing I feel more guilty about is that I went to a meeting back home where they said, “please don’t share if you’ve taken anything that affects you from the head up in the last 24 hours.” And I shared anyways. Sorry to the morning S group in G for that. If my sponsor reads this, he’ll know which group I’m talking about.
Now onto a slightly different subject. My sponsor said something great that still rings in my ears. I mentioned that a certain member had a glow about him, and just radiated peace and contentment. And my sponsor, who only has like a year and a half or something himself, but who’s worked it hardcore, and who himself radiates that same peace, said the following. I paraphrase here: “It’s available now to you, Eric. You don’t have to wait. You don’t have to be sober ten years to get that. Just follow all the suggestions, and work the steps with all the earnestness at my command, and it can be yours. You can be happy, joyous and free.” I didn’t really believe him, but I do now. I’m not there yet, but wow.
It works. It really does. Even for someone like me.