One last confession, one last reset

by erics1100paces

“This fucking guy.”

That’s what I picture my sober blogging homegroup saying.  I picture the ten or so folk in my sober blogging homegroup shaking their heads and saying, “this fucking guy.”

But here it is anyway.  I made my decision.  No more adderall.  I ran out of my prescription a couple of weeks back.  The date in my head is the 16th of March.  But I honestly can’t remember if that was the last day I took it, or the first day without.  So I’m going to err on the side of caution and make my new sobriety date March 17th.   That makes today day 15.

I talked to my sponsor on the phone last night.  And I mentioned that it was good that I had another 3 and a half weeks here, that I need the additional time.  With his sponsor Yoda magic, he paused.  “I’m not sure I follow you,” he said.  And I talked around the subject.  And he said, “well, it sounds like you’re cued into a growth arc,” and left it at that.

What I really meant was that I need a few more weeks away from my speed prescription, that I had a decision to make.  I needed to decide if I would refill that prescription when I returned.  But I knew the answer already, I just didn’t like it.  I’m not ADD, and I don’t need adderall.  True, I needed it to stay on task and get shit done.  But that’s because I was smoking a quarter ounce of weed a week.  Shockingly, pulling bonghits all day makes it hard to get your work done!  I know, right?!  What the hell!

It’s not like I ever took it as prescribed anyway.  I don’t drink like a gentleman and I don’t do drugs as prescribed.  That’s just not how I roll.  I looked on the bottle and it doesn’t say, “take one pill orally and then crush up another one and rail it.”

I had a dream last night, in which I took 4 addies (which I usually did to celebrate a refill) and smoked some weed, and I was quite unhappy with myself on both accounts, and I felt the connection with my HP dim.

I went to the morning meeting this morning, and didn’t introduce myself as a newcomer.  It felt like a lie.

It hadn’t felt like a lie when I took that thirty day chip on Saturday, just as it hadn’t felt like I lie when I took one in Cali.  But this morning, not introducing myself as a newcomer did.  So, after we read a story from the big book, I shared.  And out it came.  I fessed up.  I admitted I was afraid they’d take back the 30 day chip I just got, and/or that they wouldn’t want to give me another one on April 15th.  But I know they don’t do that.  They don’t ask for the chips back, and they won’t begrudge me another one.  I’ll have three 30 day chips on my keys when I leave Shanghai, God willing.  And for me, that’s how it should be.  The addictions fall away one at a time, and I get a chip for each one.

So I guess that’s it then.  Day 15 today.

There’s nothing else holding me back now.  No more secrets.  Really.  Don’t worry.  On April 17, you won’t be reading a post where I say, “sigh, actually I’ve secretly had a heroin addiction too.”   For the last two weeks it’s just been coffee, sugar, cigarettes, actual Eric, and not a single non-recovery-approved substance.

I feel weightless.  Light and free and grateful to be both sober and unburdened by deceit.  I’m ready to really take the third step, ready to finish those worksheets, ready to turn my life over to the care of my HP.