“This very real feeling of inferiority is magnified by his childish sensitivity and it is this state of affairs which generates in him that insatiable, abnormal raving for self approval and success in the eyes of the world. Still a child, he cries for the moon. And the moon, it seems, won’t have him!”
While drinking I seemed to vacillate between feeling totally invisible and believing I was the center of the universe. Searching for that elusive balance between the two has become a major part of my recovery. The moon I constantly cried for is, in sobriety, rarely full; it shows me instead its many other phases, and there are lessons in them all. True learning has often followed an eclipse, a time of darkness, but with each cycle of my recovery, the light grows stronger and my vision is clearer.
—Daily Reflection, April 4th
They read the above daily reflection at the lunch meeting. As I’ve mentioned previously, I picked my icon for this blog more or less at random. I looked through a folder of background pictures already on my hard drive, saw the moon, and it seemed like a good, neutral choice. I spent no more than 3 minutes thinking about it, max. It was just a step in the blog starting process I needed to go through.
It seems more meaningful every time I hear the word moon. Today it’s an aspirational metaphor, rather than a descriptive one. Tomorrow, it’s meaning, along with its phase, is likely to change.
I heard the expression “willing suspension of disbelief” in the meeting at lunch today as well. I’m willing to suspend disbelief. I’m also willing a suspension of disbelief. And I’m willing not to will disbelief. And I’m willing to believe that I ain’t willing a damn bit of it.
I’m in love with the meaning making process that magical thinking allows. There’s precisely as much magic in the world as I am willing to see.