Fever Broken, Eric Under Repair
I think I’m mostly on the other side of this cold now. I felt well enough to go to the morning meeting, which was a 12 and 12 meeting study meeting. It was on the 4th step because of course it was.
I’m struck all the time by the manner in which things are revealed, and the symmetry of the growth process. Why did I start this blog? I had no idea at the time, really, beyond that it might keep me connected. It took me a hundred posts to figure it out. It’s so simple. I’m telling my story. That’s it. But I couldn’t even begin to tell it until I got past the fear.
When I say I’ve gotten past fear, I want to stress that fear is and will always remain a part of my life. But it need no longer control me. I no longer need to live in fear of myself and other people. My HP has relieved me of that reality, and for that I am very grateful.
Today will be a day of rest, as I have fearlessly declared myself too sick to go to Wuxi. Calling in sick isn’t something I would do, normally. I’d be a trooper, and muddle through, and then maybe resent that life places too many demands upon me. But not this morning. I contacted my boss in LA, sent an email to the guy in Wuxi, talked to my housemate about alternate possibilities – dealt with life on life’s terms. And it all worked out well.
And today will also be a day of small tasks, as I am not too sick to attend to those. “Just for today I will do two things I do not want to do, just for the exercise.*” I’ve already completed one – talking with my housemate about logistics. This was good in that I discovered the tension between us, like my fever, has broken. Yesterday he still wasn’t talking to me. The other thing I’ll do that I don’t want to is go to the bank to deal with a wire transfer. Boring, but necessary.
I’ll return to the Trinity later on, probably sometime today.
*We read the text linked here at the end of the meeting this morning. I’m down with attempting everything on it except one. I will not “dress becomingly.” Sorry, but no. I’m in sweats and a t-shirt and that’s how I shall remain. Cali baby. We don’t roll like that.