Still kicking

by erics1100paces

Well, a few very long days in Wuxi later, I’m on the other side of what ended up being a fairly massive work project.  I’m proud of myself.  My endurance was good, my focus was good, the results were good.  We pulled it off.

I was happy to get back to Shanghai yesterday, and once I hit the meeting room last night I felt like I was home.  It was a really great meeting, but mostly what I got out of it was a sense of warmth and security.  It didn’t matter much what was said.  It was just nice to be among friends, to hear people speaking honestly, to speak honestly myself without thoughts of all the ridiculous ego stuff that used to plague me constantly and still do often enough.  But last night I was too exhausted and happy to be home for any of that.

I talked about my pre-4th step musings, about resenting the demands of work, and of remembering my own responsibility.  I, after all, was the one who pushed to take on this project.  Also, I need to learn to say no sometimes.   I was looking forward to a day off on Monday.  I got an email from my boss while I was in the cab on the way to the Alano club.  She said, “can you do X and Y on Monday?  I know it’s supposed to be a day off for you, but…”  I replied right away.  “No problem.  If R can’t adjust his schedule, then I’ll push through.”

Yes, problem.  But it’s my problem.  I’m in charge of my own life, and I need to start acting like it.  And when I don’t act like it, I’ve no one to blame but myself for the excess demands placed upon me.  It’s time to curtail the go-to-guy martyr nonsense.  It’s an ego thing on both sides of the coin.  Look at me and how hard I work please approve of me on one side, and I’m not worth anything inherently so I’ll manufacture worth through achievement on the other.

Anyhow, I’ve only got today, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday left.  I fly home on Friday.  When I get back to Cali, I’ll change the subtitle of this blog to Sober in Los Angeles.  I’m really looking forward to writing the, “I did it!” post.

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