A few thoughts to start the day
Last night’s meeting was absolutely phenomenal. It’s the one meeting of the week that uses a hybrid format. It starts with a 5 minute meditation, then there is 15 minutes of speaker tape, and then a round robin share format. In particular I like the short meditation period at the start. It settles me down and gets me ready to listen.
The speaker we heard, Clara I believe, though I will confirm that when I get a chance, said, “if you are new, I hope you fall in love with AA.” I’ve fallen in love with AA. I’m smitten. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The thought of trading it for alcohol or drugs disgusts me.
A couple of other people in the meeting are also beginning their 4th step work. One of them said, “I don’t actually resent too many people,” in her share. I was glad to hear that. I don’t think I hold a ton of resentments either. I’m sure the work will uncover more, at least I know I’m not alone in that boat.
A little pre-4th step work:
Cops. I’m still trying to figure out exactly why I hate the cops so much, and what to do with my general anger towards things that have nothing to do with me. An acquaintance had posted a picture of a textbook describing atrocities committed by the Chinese communist party back in the 1940’s.* I read it, and then found myself indulging in a violent fantasy involving time travel and a machine gun. I’ve had several such fantasies about the cops who beat Kelly Thomas to death, and about the cops who violated Dennis Eckert in New Mexico. There’s a part of the… 10th step prayer I think**, that talks about bringing a spirit of forgiveness where there is wrongdoing. I prefer justice. But in a just world, I’d be punished severely for my own sins. My wife would be gone, and my child would have been taken from me years ago back when I was smoking meth.*** Ouch. I don’t like that truth.
On that note, I’m out the door to the morning meeting. It looks like I have the day off after all. I’ve followed up with my boss for more details on my duties today, and she can’t seem to get an answer from R, so while I may yet get a last minute email, I expect I’ll have the day free. I need some part of the day, as my wife has tasked me with the purchase of souvenirs, and I have kept putting said task off. She’s given me multiple reminders, and I’m running out of time. It’s weird how something minor like “buy small items for people at home,” can occupy so much head space when you procrastinate on it.
*Update: it may have been the 50’s. I actually don’t know the date. It was whenever the commies were taking over.
**Update two: I think it is the 11th step prayer.
***Update three: I kicked that habit about 8 years ago I think.
These updates are what happens when I walk out of the house right after posting something, without going through the normal post-post editing process.