The day in review
I regret my earlier, show-offy post, full of intellectual display. I wish I’d stop doing that. And of course, I can’t rid myself of the regret until I confess the ego-driven quality of it here. As if you couldn’t tell by reading it.
There’s one guy here by whom I feel quite threatened. He’s young, and very bright, and a fast talker. He’s also got good sobriety. When he speaks in meetings he’s not engaged in display, and his words are good and helpful. I’ve never spoken to him after a meeting, but I’ve overheard him talking with others about his ideas and about getting published. Basically he occupies a similar niche in the ecosystem. He doesn’t attend a ton of meetings – maybe one or two a week. I was unhappy to see him when I walked in tonight. Then, after we read half of chapter three, the meeting was open to sharing.
There’s this thing about sharing. No one wants to go first. There are several types of people who go first. People bursting to talk (usually with not a lot of time), and people who are really solid (doing a service by taking the first slot), and people who get impatient with the silence.* I think it’s fair to say that I’ve been all three at different times. I’ve also waited and not gone first plenty of times, and not spoken at all on a few occasions. That last option is pretty rare because the meetings here are small and generally everyone or almost everyone speaks. In any event, one of the nice things about hitting a ton of meetings is that you get a lot of opportunities to experience them in different ways.
So tonight I had it in my mind to speak after this guy. I was going to wait him out. So there was a long period of silence at the beginning, because no one wanted to go first. Finally someone did, and then another, and another. I started getting out of my head a bit, and listening. With about ten minutes left, I shared about the fake market. I’m not sure the thought process behind the decision to speak then, whether I had forgotten my plan, or decided to kick it, or what, but I talked. Once I was done, he talked. I was like, goddammit.
Now that’s some fucking alcoholic thinking there. I’ve never even had a conversation with this guy. I’m sure he’s not having this ridiculous competition in his head. He’s done nothing to me ever, and has said plenty of things that have resonated with me, and I want to beat him at game no one else is playing. So there’s that confession too.
Let’s see, anything else?
My boss won’t give me a straight answer on a few questions I have. She’s playing two sides here, as far as I can tell, and there’s also a middle man who’s purpose is unclear, but whom everyone seems to think is important. As far as I can tell, he does nothing of any value and serves only to get in the way between us and the client with whom we actually work, but again, I can’t get a straight answer. Additionally, I’m scheduled for a meeting tomorrow that suggests there may be plans to send me back here in a couple of months. Can’t get a straight answer on that either, though I haven’t really asked a straight question about it.
It’s raining. It’s been raining all day. Metaphorically, as well as literally. I’ve been saying the third step prayer all day, over and over. I tried “spreading” it on the subway ride to the meeting, saying it as fast as could to accomplish quantity. Then I tried singing it to a random melody, then singing it chanting style, just one or two notes. It’s not working that well today.
God, remove from me the bondage of self. That part of the prayer keeps running through my head. But it’s because I want it I guess, because my ego’s causing me discomfort. The “so that I may better do thy will,” part hasn’t really been my focus today.
Four more days. I’m ready to go home. Tomorrow will be better I imagine. I feel sad and defeated tonight.