Tying up loose ends

by erics1100paces

I near the end of my final full day in China, and I want to tie up a few loose ends here on the blog before I leave Chinese soil.  So the next couple of posts will be from the drafts folder.  They will be my 2nd step recap post, and my 3rd step recap post, both of which have been sitting unfinished for a while.

Before I get those up, however, I’d like to talk a bit about timing and magic.  I’ve transitioned a bit from my earlier obsession with magical thinking.  I no longer wonder if God’s telling me to take the subway when I have trouble catching a cab.  He might mean something by it, but perhaps I can focus on his will for me as it manifests in more significant matters.

Meaning making is still central to my life, however.  It’s central to everyone’s, is what I’ve concluded.  It was central to my life when I vehemently denied the legitimacy of meaning making.  It’s just that I was making weak and not very worthwhile meaning.  The meaning I make now is much, much stronger.  And when I reflect on the timing of things and all that has happened the past four months or so (when I reflect back years before that even) I’m astonished by the magic of the whole thing.

The right circumstances, the coordination of bits of progress with bits of challenge, with proportionality of learning opportunity to risk of mistake, etc etc etc:  I got the right sponsor handed to me, China was forced on me, AA Shanghai was the right size with the right people, I left home at the right time, and I’m returning home at the right time.  From whichever angle I look at it, I see my HP bending over backwards to make this thing work for me.  It’s really just… astonishing.  That’s the only word that works.  It looks to me like I got the platinum package from the divine, and I’m not sure why, but I’m not so worried about why anymore.

An exhaustive gratitude list.  That phrase was in one of the readings today at the lunch meeting.  It may have been from As Bill Sees It, but I don’t really recall.  B at the meeting talked about the phrase.  He mentioned that he does express gratitude, but that he falls well short of an exhaustive list.  I too express gratitude in prayer, but my gratitude is usually for my family, my sobriety, AA, my job, and my friends and other loved ones.  That’s not very exhaustive.

My plane ride will afford me 12 hours to fill.  I’ve got a pen and a pad of paper ready.