Chapter Two page one – Mixing metaphors
I started this second chapter of the blog with that quote from Jay S for a couple of reasons. Foremost, because it moved me. Mostly the last part of the quote. The conviction with which he says “we raise the dead here” had a physical impact on me when I heard it. I should probably go back and edit out the first parts. Even the super low bottom people generally don’t walk into meetings naked, waiting to be clothed, for example. But though I lightly jest here, I get his metaphor.
At another point in that tape he says, “we don’t shoot our wounded here in AA.” I like that a lot too. Even when the wounded are kicking and flailing about, more or less attacking those who are trying to patch them up. I was something of a flailer. You can read some of my earlier posts if you’d like to review the tape of me flailing. It involves a lot of profanity and fighting on the internet and regretting of confrontational emails and so forth.
I’m thinking at this point, however, I’m properly in recovery. I’ve dropped the rock, more or less. It’s actually a shit ton of little rocks, and many of them have fins and sharp little teeth, and I drop them and then they keep swimming back to me and grabbing on to me. But that’s OK. They don’t have that much power; they aren’t that heavy; I know how to drop them again. Go away little fish rocks. The HP’s right there and very bright and you are just shadows anyway.
I’ve thus far been mostly on the receiving end of this whole thing, but I know I’d like to be on the fulfilling end of things too, as I learn more. It’s not something I have to wait to do. Although I’m only on step four, I have an opportunity every time I go to meeting or write a blog post, or even just interact with another person in the world to fulfill the spiritual principles of this program. Tomorrow, I’ll have an opportunity to lead a meeting and share my experience, strength, and hope with the homegroup. I’m grateful to my friend for asking me. I’ll be asking the HP to take the lead there for me, because I want no fish rocks to capitalize on the ego risks and to steal any of the time for ill purposes or wrong motivations.
Here’s what’s upcoming: The post I worked on with a pen and paper on the plane, and an exploration of theory and practice. Jay S said something else on that tape I should mention at this juncture: AA’s not something you just agree with. It’s something you do.
This is really page one of Chapter Two, I guess. I’m-a go back and re-title.