One more thought

AA has, you know, an unofficial step zero, though I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone refer to it as such.  It’s called: get out of the storm.

That’s what AA folk were doing when they gave booze in diminishing quantities to drunks who had the DT’s.  They did it to get those guys out of the storm, so they could take the first step.  For me, during those first few days or so, that’s what pot was.  It was something that got me out of the storm, and allowed me to take the first step.  However, I didn’t need to keep smoking weed all day, every day, for the first 60+ days.  That’s on me.

Fortunately, my HP doesn’t sweat the little stuff.  “Hey, Eric,” he points out.  “You’ve got 68 days without one drop of booze.  That’s like 9 fucking weeks.  So you’re doing something right.  Chill.  It’s all good.  And now you’ve got almost a week completely clean, so you’re doing something else right too.  No reason to beat yourself up.”

“You know what, HP,” I reply.  “You’re a pretty cool guy.  It’s weird that I used to hate you so much for no reason.”

5 Days In

Or is it six?  Thurs, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and today is Tuesday (in China).  I forget how I’m counting.

Regardless, I wanted to reply to a comment made by 365 regarding my last post.  She expressed some annoyance with AA and it’s fixation on rules.  I’ll even add on to it a bit.  It doesn’t say anywhere in the big book that you can’t smoke weed.  Doesn’t mention it at all, right?  So this “reset your sobriety date,” isn’t even AA.  It’s a personal interpretation of it by some or most of the members.  This fight is easy to win, rhetorically, if you want to fight it.  Frankly, those who say you can’t ever smoke pot and call yourself sober don’t have a “legal” leg to stand on here.  So, let’s just all smoke weed.  It does help reduce the urge to drink, and drinking is the real problem, yes?  Sure.  Go for it.  Personally, if some drunk comes to me and says, “I can’t put together a day without alcohol.  I keep trying and keep failing.”  I’d say, “smoke a shitload of weed dude.  Start at 5AM and smoke it all day until you go to bed.  Your job is to just stay away from that first drink, and I think weed will help you do that.”  Note that I wouldn’t say this about any other substance – just weed.

So, you’re absolutely right, 365. Pot does not make my life unmanageable, and I’ve never done anything that I really regret because I smoked weed. And I absolutely agree with you that getting sober, and getting a sponsor, does not relieve us of our responsibility to evaluate the various suggestions we receive for wisdom. People do sometimes give bad advice, and ultimately each of us is responsible to make our own determinations. And I’d say the exact same responsibility exists with a licensed therapist as exists with anyone else.  I can smoke pot if I want to, and my family will still consider me sober. My wife doesn’t mind the pot at all – it doesn’t wreak havoc in our lives. And if I’m happy, joyous, and free while smoking pot, then if AA doesn’t like it, AA can shove that up their collective asses.

But.

Here’s the thing. I’ve found a connection with a higher power. And that connection kind of fades from view when I’m high. I don’t just want to not drink. I want that spiritual awakening, for me, and for my loved ones too, and I’m not sure I can really get and maintain that – my growth at the very least is check – if I’m smoking weed.

So I’m not telling anyone else what they should or shouldn’t do. I could have just not mentioned that I’d been smoking weed, and no one would have known. But I’ve bought into the rigorous honesty thing, and the program, so far, has worked miraculous outcomes in my life. So, for me, it’s about faith in the steps and the principles. I think if I follow their “rules,” which are just suggestions, really, and which I do not have to follow if I don’t want to, then I think the outcome will be better. So my new clean and sober date is February 27th. And that’s the date that I’m going to use in the program, simply to humble myself, which for an arrogant prick like me, is a daily necessity.

However, I plan to celebrate that which I consider to be my “most true” sobriety date, December 26th, with my family. In my house, that’s my sobriety date. Outside of my house, my sobriety date is Feb 27th. I can live with that, and I thereby feel as though I’m being honest with everyone, including myself, by respecting any honest difference of opinion I might have with AA regarding “what counts,” and by respecting the group conscious of AA regarding “what counts,” at the same time.

And I’m done smoking weed now.  I’ve given up that desire to God, and I’m convinced if I keep working the steps with my sponsor, that desire won’t pester me anymore.  So it’s a one time reset, and a good exercise in ego reduction.

365 also mentioned legal risks of weed.  Let me be very clear about this.  I don’t care if I’ve been sober 1000 years, I will never stop believing with all my heart that the drug war is wholly evil, and all the cops and DEA folk who wage it are loathsome fucking evil scumbags.  I would like nothing better than to watch them all suffer in prison for the rest of their worthless lives, and visit them everyday in jail to point at them, ridicule and shame them, and spit in each of their respective faces.  That would be true justice.

I just finished talking with my sponsor about how I need to stop indulging in righteous indignation, because it’s like it’s own kind of drug.  And here I go again indulging in it.  Sigh.

I still have a ways to go.  But seriously, though.  Fuck the police.